The Legend of Cory Akinstone - Larz Richards [Email]
This is a tragic story, a story about one of the most famous Roller Derby skaters
of all time: Cory Akinstone and how he rose to glory and fame
and then fell
all the way down to the bottom of the nobody barrel. Now allow me to take you
back a few years to when Cory Winters (hold on I'll explain) was starting his
Now you see Cory's real last name isn't Akinstone it's in fact Winters, but
make no mistake he is related to the Akinstone's and since he was he grew up with
skating. Even as a young lad Cory knew he wanted to be a pro-skater and he wanted
to be in Roller Derby so when he was old enough he joined a local Derby league.
Now Cory didn't want to cash in on the Akinstone last name he wanted to earn all
the accolades and credits himself so he decided to skate under his real name of
This turned out not to be a problem because Cory to put it quite simply was
Cory could everything he could jam he could block he could pull off amazing
plays and do interviews with the best of them. Roller Derby experts all saw big
things in the future for this kid all he needed was something to put him over
the top to distinguish him from the rest and one day Cory got that extra something,
he in fact invented the whirlwind trick. The whirlwind trick is where you fall
on purpose and the other skaters trip over you and fall down to the track and
when Cory started doing this the people went nuts because nothing like this had
been tried before or worked so well.
Cory became a Derby legend quickly and he won a great many a game for his team
(The Dallas Doc Martins). The only problem was that with every win the fans or
some teammates would always take Winters out to a bar to have a victory drink
and since Winters was winning all the time he soon had a huge beer gut.
Critics quickly wrote Cory off saying he could never skate with such a huge
beer gut, but in fact the opposite happened Cory got even better. Your probably
wondering how he got even better just by having a huge beer gut, well the fact
is that when skaters would throw blocks at Cory his beer gut would cushion the
blows so Cory was pretty invincible out on the track.
The critics soon saw this and they were impressed to say the least they claimed
that "The only thing bigger than Cory is his beer gut." and "The
"W" in Winters stands for Winner!"
Well Winters was pretty proud of all of his accomplishments so one night he
decided to go out for a beer just by himself as kind of a self-tribute thing.
Well Winters drove on through the night and finally he found the bar he wanted
to go to the "Ricky Flavors Tavern."
Winters entered the tavern and he strode right up to the bar and asked the
bartender (who turned out to be Flavors himself) for a drink. Now Winters was
just sipping his drink and minding his own business when another man with an extremely
large beer gut came in (we'll just refer to him as J K because I understand he's
wanted in a few states and there is some Repo Man after him
This guy strode up to the bar like he owned the place and in truth he might
as well have because he was always there. Ricky recognized the guy right away
"Hey J K what'll it be tonight little bro?"
J K answered "Well Ricky my hours got cut today and I'm not allowed to
work with this one girl who I worship so you better give me a Diceman."
Now as Flavors went to work on J K's drink, Cory was confused he had no idea
what a "Diceman" was and he had been in bars all over the world so he
decided to watch Ricky and see what this drink was.
Ricky eventually finished the drink and gave it to J K, and when Winters looked
at it smoke was coming out of the top of the drink and it looked pretty toxic.
Winters thought that J K was nuts for drinking that, but J K downed the whole
Diceman and asked for another.
This was a strange thing so Cory decided to ask J K what was in the drink.
When he asked J K just kind of laughed and said,
"Well the drink is named after me because I'm the only one who would drink
it-it's a 100% pure alcohol."
Cory had no idea what to make of this so he said,
"Uh wouldn't that kill you dude?" and J K replied
"Nope you just have to build up a tolerance like I have."
Cory was astounded with this and asked J K to sit down and they started chatting.
A few hours later Cory told J K he was a Roller Derby skater and it seemed to
Cory like J K changed. He suddenly became sobered up and started asking Cory about
every aspect about his personal life.
Now Cory didn't like this so he was just about to leave when suddenly, the
Houston police kicked down the door and shouted
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE J K YOU FUGITIVE THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T FIND YA WELL
YOUR GOING BACK TO JAIL WHERE YOU BELONG AND THERE AIN'T NO VODKA IN THERE MISTER!"
J K was horrified by such a thought, so when the police lunged for him J K
ducked and ran out into the streets where he thought he was safe, until Ricky
Flavors realized J K had never paid for the twenty (20) Diceman's he had consumed,
so Flavors dialed the number of a world famous Repo Man he knew by the name of
Richards said he'd take the case so Flavors hung up and grabbed the AK-47 that
was hidden under his bar (the man really hated to be stiffed) and tore out into
the streets after J K. Now Cory was all alone in the bar and he noticed that J
K still had half a Diceman left so Cory decided to try it.
Cory consumed the Diceman and was knocked out instantly, but when he was knocked
out his beer gut landed on top of his face and slowly (but surely) cut off the
oxygen supply to his brain. Now Ricky Flavors came back the next morning unsuccessful
in his attempt to catch J K so when he saw Cory lying there on the floor he didn't
really care and just left him there. Now eventually customers started complaining,
so Flavors finally called an ambulance to pick Cory up.
When the doctors examined his brain they realized that Cory only had 1% brain
power left. They quickly flew in the famous Dr. Bruce Sheep to work with Cory
and see if he could restore more of his brainpower.
Years and years of work were spent just trying to get Cory to say something
like "how now brown cow" (which he still can't spell to this day). Well
finally Cory was sent home because the doctors couldn't do anymore for him. Cory's
mom and grandpa quickly moved in with Cory so they could take care of him if need
Cory's dreams of being a famous skater were pretty shot at that point until
Cory's granddad came up with an idea: he'd let Cory skate under the Akinstone
name and the name Akinstone would draw the fans in too see Cory. Now while that
sounds like a good plan, it sadly didn't work since the only thing about skating
that Cory could remember was how to fall and now that's all he could do.
Sure he still did his famous whirlwind trick, but now it wasn't on purpose
and the fans could quickly see it. They booed him harshly and made fun of him
on the internet and Winters hated it and soon he became bitter. He snapped at
fans and threatened them, but they still wouldn't stop making fun of them.
Cory even tried calling the league president and his mom to get the fans to
stop making fun of him, but nothing worked. Cory still skates today, but with
all his fans and talent gone he mostly just resorts to being a bitter little troll
online still trying to get the fans to stop laughing.
Your probably wondering why I told you this story, well it's because I feel
sorry for Cory Akinstone. I used to be a huge Cory Winters fan and I think it's
sad to see what a parody of himself he's become. If I could, I'd like to ask you
fans to do me a favor. Please stop making fun of Cory, and when you see him online
or at some autograph session or at a game all by himself smiling his sad smile
please stop over to him and say hello and smile and remember his better days.
Oh and there is also a lesson to this story kids: don't drink it will ruin
your life like it ruined poor Cory Winters/Akinstone's.
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